Update on Confusion

So I can't believe this really. After all these months it took me meeting probably the most wonderful man I have ever met to get the man who I have been in love with to figure things out. But its too late. I don't know how to break things off completely with him because he is very persistent and is pulling out all the stops. He is begging me, literally, to see him. I wish I could be a bitch and tell him to fuck off. He wrote me this yesterday which is full of things I wanted to hear for so long. And a lot of BS as well I am sure:

Yes I know, I fucked it up and I have to try and live with that. The thing
we have, or had I guess is not the sort of thing that comes along very
often, and knowing I fucked it up. Sucks real bad. I'm sorry I can barely
think of my own name at this point I am so exhausted. I did a terrible job
letting you know how I felt and now I am paying for it. You know, whenever I
had a terrible time with something or was just down about something you were
the only person I ever wanted to be near, to bring me back to being happy.
That weekend last summer when I felt like I was dying and I was scared out
of my wits I didn't want to be near anyone else, and being near you made me
feel so much better. Same goes for other times I have felt like that. Not
my parents, not my friends, not my sister. Just you. Not that I tell you
this to change your mind, but it seems fair that I give you at least one
example of how much you meant to me, how ingrained in my mind you are, even
if I don't demonstrate it well. (Please don't pick this last part apart, I
won't be able to take it.) I could add other things like how you are always
on my mind when you are not around, or how you being in my life helps
inspire me to do better, like in school or to pursue that job or how good it
is to just see you even at work, how nice it is to how I'll get to see you
in the cafe even if only for a few seconds it is, well, was the best part of
every work day. I always hate it when i miss that little glimpse. (again
please don't, can't take it.)
I apparently made you feel like you were just "there" so even though it
doesn't matter in any sense that helps me out at this point, I want you to
know you were much more than just "there." I am sorry I did not do a better
job of showing that, I fucked up, you deserved better, and now I am fucking
crying. goddammit. And you are probably right I will probably end up alone
and miserable because even if I do get to the point where I meet someone I
love as much as you I will probably fuck it up again. (see you are the only
one I care to talk to about this, except you are the one it is about.) I
hope you have a better day than I expect I will.


So what the hell do I do now? I mean, I know its "Too little, too late." I wish he had kept this to himself like he has been all this time. The part about when he thought he was dying makes me laugh though really. He did spend 4 nights in a row with me but here's the catch: It was right before he went hiking with Caroline, and that was the time that I found the condoms in his hiking gear after he got back. So did he have that acid reflux because he has an illness, or because he was so nervous and guilty about what he may or may not have been planning to do on that hiking trip? And seeing me in the cafe, so funny because 9 times out of 10 he sits with his back to where I go through so he almost never sees me anyway! I don't know. I am falling hard for Kristiaan and I don't want to screw that up. I wish I didn't work with James so I wouldn't have to see him as much.

He is right about one thing: I do deserve better than this bullshit.