Desperation Rears it's Ugly Head

Soooooo last night after waiting all day for it I got to see Kris. I went to his apartment (very nice where he stays), meet his roommates, and hang out. We sat in the sweltering heat with no fan, no A/C (at least I got my fix at Astrid's!! :) ) nothing. But at least we were both sweaty lol! I sat on his lap, drank Belgian beer, and we listened to music on his computer. He likes viking death metal which is different, along with other kinds of music, and although I didn't love all of it, I did like some of it and am interested to hear more! Its a lot about mythology as far as lyrics. Then I tortured him with my iPod and made him listen to Beth Orton, Journey, Hole, and Amy Winehouse haha!! He didn't seem to mind too much. oh and I made him listen to PM Dawn my guilty pleasure! He wrote me a letter or a poem not sure what I would call it but it was so sweet and I have not had too many guys do that before. To me that means more than a gift or a dinner at a restaraunt. I am happy just to be with him. And he shaved off his flavor saver and WOW he is even HOTTER than I originally thought he was! I can't stop staring at him when we are together but he is the same with me so we sit there a lot and just stare at each other LOL!!!

I haven't felt like this about anyone EVER. Not even Kam who I had felt was my soulmate. After he died I thought I would be too afraid to truly love anyone again because I was always worried that I would do something to make that happen again. But Kris is so different than anyone I have ever met. If this isn't for real then I don't ever want to fall in love ever again. It will be too painful.

So anyway getting back to last night. James had been texting me all afternoon saying nice things and etc. I just kind of went along with it but didn't encourage it too much I didn't think. Then when I got to Burlington I ignored my phone obviously and didn't check it until this morning. He had sent me text messages this morning asking if I was ok, and he had called and left me a voice mail saying he was worried about me. Uh huh. He said, "I know you like to walk late at night in Burlington or in Milton and since I hadn't heard from you I thought maybe something bad had happened." WTF??? He never cared much before when I went out walking after midnight out in the moonlight just like we used to do...oops got a little carried away there! My point is that he never once showed concern about me not getting right back to him or about me being out at night alone. He called me again this morning on my way in and I answered. Of course I am in this fucking AMAZING mood because Kris came home with me and stayed the night again (still not going all the way. He has amazing self control) so I was all chipper on the phone and he is all groggy and mopey. He just is not going to leave me alone. I think I am going to have to tell him "Sorry, too late I am already interested in someone else" and just go for it.

I haven't see him yet today, but he made it clear he wants to see me/talk to me. Ugh. And he has been talking to one of his Ex-girlfriends, Susie Posner some of you might know her, about us and asking for advice so that should be interesting. Yes, I still read his emails. Now its more for entertainment value. If he would leave me alone I would stop reading them because I honestly don't care anymore but I like to stay one step ahead of him. You can probably see why.

I get to see Kris again tonight. I want to see him every night. Thank God he feels exactly the same way about me. How do I know? A little thing called "HE TOLD ME!!" Wow, a guy who can express his feelings. What the hell do I do with that.