Famous Amos

For those of you who want to see it, there is an article in the Free Press about James' upcoming Long Trail hike. He didn't tell me about it, and the only way I found out was through a blog on his myspace.

Last night he came over around 10:00pm. I was in bed in my pajamas reading HP6 trying to get the overtiredness to allow me to sleep. My phone rings, and it is James. He said he is in Milton at the Mobil station and wants to come by for a bit, drink a beer, and chat. I said I did not know if this was a good idea. we went back and forth on it for a bit and then he said, I am going to just come over for a few minutes no big deal. I gave up and said ok, and he came over. We drank a beer and talked about his upcoming hike, his school, etc. It was kind of nice because I felt like we were friends. I drank another beer (it was guinness...couldn't help myself!!) and he helped me fix my itunes lists. Then I had one final beer, and we started to talk about the grand old past and he brought up some stuff that since I was drunk and tired, angered me and we had a huge fight that involved me crying and yelling a bit and him trying to defend himself for the things he had done in the past. The good that came out of it was that I felt like I finally told him some things that I had wanted to tell him for a long time (there are many of those things) and then the other thing is that there is no point except my own satisfaction for telling him those things. He did not leave until almost 3:00am despite my repeatedly telling him that I needed to go to sleep.
I honestly thought that getting this relationship behind me would be easier. I'm fine as long as he stays away, and when I am with Kris I never ever think "Oh I wish James was here". James had stayed away for almost a week and I thought that he was moving on, but it is now clear to me that he is not even close to being over it. And constantly rehashing the past is poking holes in my happiness with Kris. I don't want to lose him at all but I am having trouble saying complete goodbye to James. Of course, that is because he makes himself a presence in my life. I am not calling him asking to see him or initiating contact with him, but I have a hard time ignoring him when he does first.
So unfortunately my post about cutting the cord seems to have been a ruse. I guess he is more hung up than I thought. I think he is ok (as I am) when we do not see each other, but once we are face to face the chemistry takes over and we have a hard time dealing with and knowing how to talk to each other. I wish I could say I did not feel drawn to him physically but I can't stop how my body responds, I can only control myself and by thinking of Kris I am able to draw the strength that keeps me from just saying, Fuck it. Let's fuck.