Too Much Information?

So I have decided that reverse psychology is real and that I should put it into practice. Whenever I try to do something the way I want to it ends up backfiring so I'm going to pull a George Costanza and go against my instincts and see what happens.

I decided to stop taking my happy pills because I feel like they contribute to my paranoia, anxiety, and outbursts of rage, all of which if anyone knows me well are not like me at all. I was taking them to get over the suicide of my boyfriend that happened 7 FUCKING YEARS AGO and I feel like I have finally come to terms with that in a way that I can live daily life without wanting to join him, and I am not dating the guy who I think put me to the point of needing meds anymore. So maybe I don't need them anymore. I'm going to try it for 2 weeks and see if I am ok. So far its been 2 days and i don't notice much difference.

What made me really make this decision was the fact that despite knowing that my breakup with J. was probably the best thing I could have done for both of us, I was still trying desperately to get him back for reasons unknown to me. I keep waffling back and forth between, "Finally I am free of poop songs (ask in a comment if you want to know), mental torture, indecisiveness, lack of affection, segregation from his friends and family, and feeling like I am not doing my kids any favors" and "Shit I can only remember the good times and I miss sleeping with someone and going to dinner and being surprised with the sweet things he would do occasionally". Most of that last stuff happened about 1.5 years ago on a regular basis, and then all went to shit after his last camping/hiking trip (hmmmm wonder why).

So anyway, today I decided that I need to stop being a pathetic doormat and stand up for myself and I told him that I was going to give him a few weeks of space where I will not try to contact him, see him, or be in his life at all. Of course once I said this he starts HIS waffling (we are very much alike in a lot of fundamental ways) between when I push he pulls away and when I pull away he opens up and confuses me once again. He starts by saying that he does miss me *something he wouldn't say or admit until today* and that he thinks we should both take time to think about what we want and need and blah blah blah.

So I ask myself, and anyone who is smarter about men than me, WTF????? Why do I bother with someone who is so wrong for me and who obviously doesn't want to be with me? I mean, if he did wouldn't he be trying to talk to me and find ways to make things work? Wouldn't he come over when I asked or answered his phone when I call? I mean, if he's done with us that is FINE but as soon as I say I am ready to be done he jumps in and interjects hope where there obviously is no place for it. I am so confused. He won't just let things end yet he doesn't want to fix them enough so there is actually something solid there!!! AAAAARGH!!!!!

Okay well thank you for letting me vent. I hope I stay strong and end up realizing that I am not worthless, that I am not incomplete without a man (how I feel most of the time sadly), and that I can do better than someone who doesn't love me (der!!!).