Ever Been so Tired you feel Like a Crackhead?

I decided to intersperse this post with pretty cloud pictures I took this month to make it more interesting...to see my blog with these and more cloud pics click here!

I am home again today. My manager at work is out and my covering manager has a 6 year old son so he was sympathetic to my situation. I am so tired I can't even sleep anymore. Yesterday was long because I had only slept a few hours (broken up) the night before. I had headaches all day and I just feel off. My diet has consisted of graham crackers, peanut butter, and ice cream. Hmmm I should mix all those together...


So Alex is doing fine, he is in a regular hospital bed now. But I got more bad news yesterday which I am amazed at how well I am handling. If you remember from a while back my good friend Bob from Johnson (57 years old same as my mom) had lung cancer which had metastasized and he had grown 27 tumors in his brain, albeit small ones. He had radiation treatment on those tumors and 2 weeks ago when i spoke with him last he sounded great and I had planned to see him. Then the kids both came down with bad colds so I didn't go visit. Alicia sliced her head on the dresser a few days later so I kept putting off calling him. Then this happened to Alex so yet again it was pushed away on the list of things to do. Yesterday evening in the hospital my phone rang. It said "Bob McA" on the display so I answered it. It was his brother Dennis who sounds identical to him on the phone and in person actually. He said that Bob died on Friday in Elmore, but doesn't sound like it was in a hospital. So I will never see him again. His graveside service is Saturday at 2:00pm in Morrisville, Pleasantview Cemetery. I will be there. What next?


So last night after I was done at the hospital I walked back to my parents' house. Christine called me on the way, or did I call her I don't remember. We made plans to meet up briefly so I could give her some jewelry I made for her daughter. Then my mom calls, "I heard gunshots and sirens just wanted to make sure it wasn't you!" I guess you never stop worrying about your kids. They were really upset that I was walking back from the hospital even though there was a fair amount of day light left. When I got there Dad was waiting for me outside, which was fine. They kept telling me to get going so I wouldn't fall asleep on the way home. Ha. I was going out downtown after!


I know it probably sounds bad to you who may be reading this that I have a kid in the hospital with internal injuries and am going out on the town. But I have been so stressed out, not just from this but from everything that has happened lately. So I decided to go downtown, pick up Christine, and drive to Jamie's new place. What did I really want to do? I really wanted James to call me and say he would come over and spend the night at my house so I wouldn't have to be alone. But I knew he wouldn't do that so I didn't even consider it as an option.


When we got to Jamie's, I realized that I hadn't taken my happy pills in a week so it was probably safe to have a small amount of wine. I drank half a glass of chardonnay and oh my god I totally felt it. Then we went out on the front porch and smoked a cigarette and chatted. It was 10:30pm and I had to work today at 7!! Then I thought to myself as they were discussing going downtown, "FUCK it. You know? I am already tired but getting a second wind, and I am happy to be with my friends and I need to relax and let loose a little." So I drove us downtown (after my mini-buzz wore off) and we went to 3 Needs (blech). IT was so busy because of the Jazz Fest and Saturday night in general! Oh my.



I smoked another cigarette, in memory of Bob and his lung cancer (!!) and then had a brainstorm. "Oh my God Malcom is in Burlington tonight I should call him!" So I did, and he answered, and he came and met up with us. While we were waiting for him I felt so excited and happy. I was so glad I came out. Then he got there and at first I thought it was fine but he seemed really not glad to be there (his girlfriend was at his parents house sleeping). I wasn't putting the moves on him at all or anything but he seemed like he would rather have been anywhere but there. He hung out for about a half hour but then he left and he didn't really say much to me and even the girl we were hanging out with said, "Why do I sense so much awkwardness here?" So that was a buzzkill. I think I smoked one more cigarette, well, I didn't smoke my own I shared one with Jamie and one with Christine which was fine. I don't want to become a smoker again but it is nice to puff one down once and awhile. Ironic that even though they killed my friend i still wanted one. Is that irony? It is in my book.



After 3 Needs Christine split off to go to a different party and Jamie, her friends Johnny, Chris, Jeff (who she tried to introduce me to but he was totally not interested in talking to me), and Kate went to Plan B. This is a new hip hop bar in Burlington that I have never heard of or been to before. It was a nicer atmosphere in there and there was more space to stand and the music was waaaaaaaaaaay better but still I wasn't feeling it anymore. I wish in a way that I hadn't seen Malcom because it shattered my happy feeling. I am glad that he wasn't hitting on me and treating his girlfriend like shit by doing so though. I should have waited to see him until they were together. Oh well.


Jamie and I left at 1:15 or so and headed back to her house. It was weird because, well, it just was!! I got home close to 2:00am and then got up at 6 and went to work. And now I am home, and my bed is calling me................