Sitting here alone....
Thanksgiving is "over" and I'm sitting in my room all alone, waiting for iTunes to load on my slower than death laptop. It was definitely one of the more surreal Thanksgivings I have experienced. I almost started crying this morning when I remembered that my sister wasn't going to be there at my Grandmother's house. The first 2 hours I was awake I just kept thinking that she was and reliving past T-days, and then a little voice in my brain said, "She's not coming this year" and I felt weird.
Kris also did not join us as he had made plans to go to his sister's place in Boston. I quelled the feelings of resentment I felt welling up inside me because I know that I can't always get my way and he deserves to go visit his family that he doesn't see that often. But the numerous people asking me, "So are you excited for your first Thanksgiving with your husband?" and then the looks of disbelief/puzzlement that people give me after I say "He's not coming with me" kind of wore on me after a while.
I have had PMS for the past few days as well along with taking my medication sporadically so things are bugging me more. On the phone the other night he made the comment, "I made a vow to myself last year that I would spend more time with my family on the holidays" and I thought to myself, Didn't you make a vow to me too? Aren't I your family now? But I kept my mouth shut. I know he didn't mean any harm by it but I think he hasn't got it in his head that his life is a little different once he marries someone. I, on the other hand being a seasoned marriage professional, have certain expectations (basic ones at that) about things like Thanksgiving and Christmas. He even said something about maybe he would come with me to my Grandmother's today, and then go to his sister's on Christmas!! Uhm, WTF?????? Hell no. I will put my foot down about that one. Poor guy he doesn't even know the little mistakes he has made with these words. Of course I also have to remember that I entered into this non-traditional and unstructured commitment willingly and therefore will reap what was sown.
Doesn't mean I have to like it though lol...
I have gained so much weight lately that I am really starting to wonder what the hell is wrong with me. For the past 2 years I never went above 120 ( I am almost 5'7") which yeah I know was skinny too much almost but I felt comfortable, and now I am rapidly approaching 130 with no hope of going back to even 123 would be ok. So I decided that I am going to try Juice Fasting again, starting now. I did it once for one day and I felt pretty good after. I am going to try it for the whole weekend. Doctors actually do recommend it if you are in good health (which I do seem to be with this extra lard on my ass). They say 3 days is the longest you should go, and then you should reintroduce food by way of salads, fruits, and whole grains. The general idea is to give your digestive system a break in order to move out all the stuff that is clogging you basically and to flush your renal system of accumulated toxins. Drinking fresh juice (gonna have to be from concentrate for me) is recommended, along with water and taking a fiber supplement to avoid constipation. It may sound crazy and extreme to some people but fuck it I feel like shit being this big and I barely fit into any of my pants anymore. I literally had to put 10 pairs of jeans away that I can't get buttoned. I'm hoping to shrink my stomach a bit and regain some willpower. Hey, who knows I may cave within 24 hours lol but its worth a try. I miss people telling me I'm skinny.
I am procrastinating making the curtains for my bedroom that Kris bought me fabric for. I am not good at making curtains, last time I checked. In fact I don't feel like I'm much good at making anything right now. I have patterns for a renaissance dress (thinking about making wedding dresses....) and I asked my Mom if she would help me with the patterns since I have never read a pattern before and she of course had to come at me with major negativity and comments such as "Why do you always try to make things that are so hard?" and "Can't you make a bunch of pajamas first before you make a dress?" and "You are crazy yeah good luck with that" etc. All spoken with exasperation and eyes rolled to the ceiling, arms outstretched to the heavens. I mean, I know I never do anything right but Christ at least try to pretend that I might be able to not fuck something up. Ever since I was a little kid in school I have always skipped the easy stuff and gone for the complicated shit. I mean, how the hell is making 20 sets of pajamas going to prepare me for a DRESS??? Totally different styling. And I told her I wanted a dress form for Christmas or whatever and she didn't approve of that idea either. "Just use a hanger" she says. Ok mom, a hanger, yeah that's totally the SHAPE OF A FUCKING BODY yeah hmmm sure thing.
On a brighter note, {say something nice to balance the bitter...lolz} uhm....let'z see....I have been reading and absorbing all about the Aztec civilization, and when I think about how I don't have to have my heart ripped out still beating from my chest to appease the "Hummingbird" god of war, well I guess my life isn't that bad. Yeah that's it. Life's good.
Kris also did not join us as he had made plans to go to his sister's place in Boston. I quelled the feelings of resentment I felt welling up inside me because I know that I can't always get my way and he deserves to go visit his family that he doesn't see that often. But the numerous people asking me, "So are you excited for your first Thanksgiving with your husband?" and then the looks of disbelief/puzzlement that people give me after I say "He's not coming with me" kind of wore on me after a while.
I have had PMS for the past few days as well along with taking my medication sporadically so things are bugging me more. On the phone the other night he made the comment, "I made a vow to myself last year that I would spend more time with my family on the holidays" and I thought to myself, Didn't you make a vow to me too? Aren't I your family now? But I kept my mouth shut. I know he didn't mean any harm by it but I think he hasn't got it in his head that his life is a little different once he marries someone. I, on the other hand being a seasoned marriage professional, have certain expectations (basic ones at that) about things like Thanksgiving and Christmas. He even said something about maybe he would come with me to my Grandmother's today, and then go to his sister's on Christmas!! Uhm, WTF?????? Hell no. I will put my foot down about that one. Poor guy he doesn't even know the little mistakes he has made with these words. Of course I also have to remember that I entered into this non-traditional and unstructured commitment willingly and therefore will reap what was sown.
Doesn't mean I have to like it though lol...
I have gained so much weight lately that I am really starting to wonder what the hell is wrong with me. For the past 2 years I never went above 120 ( I am almost 5'7") which yeah I know was skinny too much almost but I felt comfortable, and now I am rapidly approaching 130 with no hope of going back to even 123 would be ok. So I decided that I am going to try Juice Fasting again, starting now. I did it once for one day and I felt pretty good after. I am going to try it for the whole weekend. Doctors actually do recommend it if you are in good health (which I do seem to be with this extra lard on my ass). They say 3 days is the longest you should go, and then you should reintroduce food by way of salads, fruits, and whole grains. The general idea is to give your digestive system a break in order to move out all the stuff that is clogging you basically and to flush your renal system of accumulated toxins. Drinking fresh juice (gonna have to be from concentrate for me) is recommended, along with water and taking a fiber supplement to avoid constipation. It may sound crazy and extreme to some people but fuck it I feel like shit being this big and I barely fit into any of my pants anymore. I literally had to put 10 pairs of jeans away that I can't get buttoned. I'm hoping to shrink my stomach a bit and regain some willpower. Hey, who knows I may cave within 24 hours lol but its worth a try. I miss people telling me I'm skinny.
I am procrastinating making the curtains for my bedroom that Kris bought me fabric for. I am not good at making curtains, last time I checked. In fact I don't feel like I'm much good at making anything right now. I have patterns for a renaissance dress (thinking about making wedding dresses....) and I asked my Mom if she would help me with the patterns since I have never read a pattern before and she of course had to come at me with major negativity and comments such as "Why do you always try to make things that are so hard?" and "Can't you make a bunch of pajamas first before you make a dress?" and "You are crazy yeah good luck with that" etc. All spoken with exasperation and eyes rolled to the ceiling, arms outstretched to the heavens. I mean, I know I never do anything right but Christ at least try to pretend that I might be able to not fuck something up. Ever since I was a little kid in school I have always skipped the easy stuff and gone for the complicated shit. I mean, how the hell is making 20 sets of pajamas going to prepare me for a DRESS??? Totally different styling. And I told her I wanted a dress form for Christmas or whatever and she didn't approve of that idea either. "Just use a hanger" she says. Ok mom, a hanger, yeah that's totally the SHAPE OF A FUCKING BODY yeah hmmm sure thing.
On a brighter note, {say something nice to balance the bitter...lolz} uhm....let'z see....I have been reading and absorbing all about the Aztec civilization, and when I think about how I don't have to have my heart ripped out still beating from my chest to appease the "Hummingbird" god of war, well I guess my life isn't that bad. Yeah that's it. Life's good.
3 comments:
Wow. I didn't know it would bother you that much that I wasn't there. I guess I didn't think about what it would be like on holidays when we first decided to move. I think if you also had your man there it would have been a lot better. I think it is also weird that he wasn't with you, and I hope you can get it through his head that he HAS to be with you on holidays because you are his family. Maybe he just doesn't get it because he isn't American. Can't you go with him to his family's place on Christmas or something? Jeez.
There's nothing wrong with being 130 pounds and someone telling you you are skinny is a bad goal to have because you won't always be skinny and it isn't worth being your main goal in life. You know that! Move down here and you will be told you are skinny b/c most women are over 150 lbs!!!
Just make whatever you want and keep trying over and over. Mom didn't really help me either b/c I dont' think she knows what she's doing or doesn't remember how to do it. I asked her to help me and she didn't really at all. It took me a year to get good at sewing, so it is just practice and hoping that you'll get it right the first time and if you don't, put it away and do soemthing else then go back to the first pattern later.
It'll be all right. Can you plan to come down here with mom next time she comes? I think in Jan.? You need a vacation.
Love ya,
S
Hey B,
Sorry to hear you are dealing with lots of things right now. I pray that those things get better real soon!! : )
I know how surreal/hard it can be when somebody important isn't around during certain times, especially holidays, and it's not always easy but 'this too shall pass' ; ) You'll see S again soon enough, I'm sure!! I hope you might be able to go visit her whenever it is possible, for sure. A vaca is cool for sure : )
Prayers sent your way today, tomorrow, and always!
I'm sorry you had a rough holiday, and I agree, silly Kris for not understanding that it is important to be with you. Did he make plans with his sister before you got married?
Compromise is hard to come to sometimes. I think you should make sure to talk to him honestly about how you feel when he gets back. Maybe you can celebrate together when he gets back?
And come up with something for Christmas?
About the weight thing - you ARE skinny. As skinny as you were? No. But that might not be the worst thing. I think it is totally important to feel comfortable in your own skin, and if you feel like you need to lose a little way to do it, as long as you do it in a healthy way, it should be fine. I have not done the juice fast, but I do know some people who have, and it seems to work well for them. I personally do not have it in me!! ;)
And I think that making dresses would be really cool! I have a whole slew of "How to Sew" books that I haven't really had a chance to crack open, but you could come and peek through them anytime.
Always better than getting your heart ripped out by an Aztec.
I'm here if you need me,
Post a Comment