I Hate Reality. I Really Do.

So tonight for some reason I had the retarded idea to sit down with my bank statement and Microsoft Excel and make a spreadsheet that makes me want to jump off the Winooski Bridge with a concrete block tied to my ankles. Or maybe around my neck. FUCK I am broke and I owe a lot of money and I'm going to have a lot of overdraft fees probably TOMORROW so guess who won't be sleeping tonight. Even borrowing 100$ from my parents did almost NOTHING to cushion the blow. It covered my arse for a couple of days but its a new week. And my husband left Sunday for New Mexico and I didn't even think to ask him if he could leave me any money to pay for groceries or gas or just some money to put towards the bills that come out this time of the month. I get screwed by Verizon, Sallie Mae, and the vet all in 24 hours!! I'm bending over and taking it like Elton John right now. Grrrrrrr. I can't believe the bank gives me NO NOTICE that they are raping me of 22$ every time that one of these lovely "autopays" comes out one on top of the other on various random days between the 9th and the 13th. I had it set up so they would come out on the 15th at one point which is when I get PAID but somehow over the months and years they have migrated to any of these days. My bill paying is a very delicate balance and these a-holes don't seem to care at all (of course they don't why would they). On top of me being waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay down deep in a hole, I can't get Foodstamps, Heating Assistance, or WIC. Silly me for only popping out TWO kids oops my bad.

I haven't been selling as much jewelry lately, although I did sell some to Becca and her sister but I don't feel real confident about those because I didn't get to check and tighten the items (I always make sure that things won't fall apart if possible just because the things I make involve bending wire or glue and it can become unbent/unstuck without my knowledge) because they were in a hurry. She picked out the most likely things to fall apart, too!!!! Shit!!! I have re-thought the integrity of my pieces since I had made those things as well and have new techniques that I had yet to adapt those to. Eek.

I hate myself sometimes, for being lazy, for being unmotivated, for being irresponsible, for not thinking things through, and for acting like money was just going to be there. It is hard because I really need Kris to contribute to the bills, and he is still kind of in limbo about it right now. He is great with buying food but its easy to spend too much on food that we don't really need which diverts money away from the bills we really do need to pay. I have received a disconnect notice from the electric and gas companies this month. I think that I have the electric squared away but the gas bill is a different story entirely.

On top of all this, Alex has an illness that may possibly be pneumonia. I have to somehow bring him to the doctor's tomorrow. I have to work of course, and the twist is that Rocky's car broke down at the Wal-mart parking lot (the next Kenney Chesney single title I'm sure), and he has no way of transportation so I have the kids tonight (not supposed to but I'm glad I do) but I only have 2 hours off in the morning. My dad is going to try to help me get them there and then he's going to have to drop them off at Rocky's, and then I'm going to have to pick them back up again after work. This sucks. I wish I had some vacation time left but I had to use it all when I was sick last rotation!!!

The only positive thing that I can say is that I found the 32$ money order that I had lost a couple of weeks ago that a lady sent me for a necklace. I found it while I was sorting the recycling. This is yet another reason I believe in God. I had absolutely no reason to be out there sorting through those bins, and I had been praying for money. A little more would be nice but I'll take whatever I can get!!! I'll be praying again tonight and tomorrow morning. Ohhhhh yeah. And thank GOD for my parents for all the help they have been giving me regardless of it being a big black hole. Thank you.