A Butterfly In The Wind

I am depressed to report that...well, I'm depressed. Again. Dammit.

It was silly of me to think that just because I was with a great guy and got rid of the bad one that I would just dance away without ever experiencing this disease again. Apparently it doesn't work that way. I was doing fine right up until it started to get cold again. Now, except for the daily crying (and resulting constant dehydration) I have all the wonderful classic symptoms of depression:

Sadness throughout the day, nearly every day

Loss of interest in or enjoyment of your favorite activities

Feeling of worthlessness
Excessive or inappropriate feelings of guilt

Thoughts of death or suicide

Trouble making decisions

Fatigue or lack of energy

Sleeping too much or too little

Change in appetite or weight

Trouble concentrating

Aches and pains

Restlessness

I wish I could say except for thoughts of death or suicide but those thoughts are always there. I just know I will never act on them.

I may seem fine to most of my friends. And a lot of people do experience these symptoms at some point in their lives.

I mentioned to my mom how I have been feeling lately (my dad of course was listening too) and my father said, "Geez I thought since you were with Kris and happy that you would be over this" like I have some kind of choice. I feel like I have disappointed my parents because I can't be happy like they want, that I can't just be different.

The worst part of having depression is trying to explain it to someone and having them think that you are just weak. That mentally you are choosing to feel that way. Or that you just aren't trying hard enough. I cannot stress enough that if I had a choice between how I felt 2 months ago and how I have felt worsening each day, I would eagerly pick the former.

So my friends, I am going to start taking the bupropion again for the next few months. If you know anyone with the same symptoms please I urge you to keep an open eye and an understanding, sympathetic heart.

This image really hits home as to how I feel. Its as if I have sunk face-up slowly until I was deep underwater and can see where I was but the pressure on top of me is so great all I can do is lay there and look at it. I have actually had dreams like that. This time I must say it crept up on me. For the past few weeks I noticed the lack of energy, constant fatigue, weight gain (a full 10 pounds at this point), I have had NO desire to make jewelry or do any of the other many hobbies I had, I can't get excited about things the way I should, etc. Even my wedding coming up, I know I should be more excited, nervous, etc. but its not there. That has nothing to do with Kris I can assure you. He is still the same wonderful, caring, generous man he was before, and I have not changed my feelings on marrying him. I just am having trouble appreciating it. I have talked to him about how I feel and he just said, "Don't shut me out. I want to help you through this."

I am also being overwhelmed by constant appointments, school things for Alex, and trying to get to the gym, clean my house (that's a fucking joke), call all the people I am supposed to call, get my bills paid, keep enough food in the house for when the kids are there (denied for food stamps again), and have some kind of time where I can just be.

Last night my plan was to go to the gym for an hour, come home, clean the kitchen since Bobbie and her husband are coming for dinner tonight (something I am looking forward to), and then go to bed (Kris was coming over too). My counters are totally cluttered with paper because I was trying to pay my bills the other day, and the table is covered in Alex's school stuff and some other random items. Then I got a phone call from Rocky who was reminding me that he was counting on me to watch the kids so he could play darts (we had an arrangement that was fair, don't worry). I completely had forgotten about it. So that killed my plans for the evening, as he didn't come back until 10:15pm (not part of the deal but what can I do.) so I didn't get home until almost 11:00. When I got home, Kris was mopping the floor and had taken care of the cat box and some of the dishes. Thank God for him. But the other stuff is still a mess! Tomorrow is his birthday and of course I am not prepared for it. I'm going to make him a cake tomorrow morning and then Isaac is coming over in the evening to hang out.

I will say this in parting: I have not cried one single tear (except from laughter) since I have been with Kris and without James completely.